Some years ago I visited a friend in one of the suburbs in Abuja and decided to make my hair in a salon like I usually do anytime I am in her area. Mama Margaret, the hairstylist and the owner of the shop is good which is evident in the number of compliment I get on my hair. In fact most times, I visit my friend for the opportunity to make my hair.
On the day of visit, I used an ATM before heading to the salon because I didn’t have enough cash on me. I withdrew N15,000.
On getting to the salon, it was filled with customers as usual because it was on a Saturday. The hairstylist was showing a lady sitting on a couch, different hair styles on her phone when I walked in. I found a space to sit on the already crowded couch and waited for a little while before one of hairstylist’s apprentice was free to wash my hair. Like I always do, I dropped my bag on the couch and went outside where the shampoo bowl was located.
The lady had a very low cut hair and I wondered what kind of hair she would want to make. Well it wasn’t my business so I didn’t say anything.
So it was my turn to sit on the hairstylist seat. Half way into fixing my weave-on, the hairstylist’s husband entered the salon and asked why she was not picking his calls, she said she didn’t hear it ring and proceeded to look for the phone.
This was when the drama started.
She couldn’t find her phone on the table where she kept it and the last time she used it was to show the lady different hair styles. Her apprentices all abandoned their jobs the way the hairstylist abandoned my hair to look for the phone.
They didn’t find it. Her husband called her number, it rang but could not be heard in the salon. It was then she realized her phone had been stolen and shouted “that lady don carry my phone ooo”.
She stormed out and psst-ed an okada man and fortunately it was the same okada man she asked to take the lady to the market. She asked him to take her to the place he dropped off the lady, he said “she no go dey market again oooo, she sey make I drop her for T Junction”. “Carry me go T Junction” said my hairstylist.
They both set out in search of the lady. After 15-20 minutes, they returned unsuccessful. She explained that when she couldn’t find her in the market, she went to almost all the salons in the area just in case the lady decided to make her hair in another salon. She didn’t find her in any of the salons but she asked the hairstylists in each of the salons to look out for the lady and gave them her description.
She resumed fixing my hair while cussing the hell out of the lady.
“She no go see better for her life”, “Na dat phone go kee her”, “She go sleep she no go wake up”, “Husband she no go see marry” ... She went on and on and on.
We, her customers and apprentices all said our sorrys to her while she continued the cursing and fixing my weave on.
Five minutes later, we were all startled by a scream: “Heeeeeeee”, “Mama Maggi come ooo, we don catch that woman wey steal ur phone”, “She dey my salon oooo”, “We catch her as she dey try steal my customer phone”, “Make u come quick oooo”.
It was another hairstylist from one of the salons she visited while she was searching for the lady and my hairstylist exclaimed “Heeee!”.
She abandoned my hair once more and ran out of the salon. The two women got on the Okada that brought the screaming woman and off they went to the salon of the screamer.
I wasn’t happy that my hair was being abandoned indiscriminately but how can I complain when that kind of Nollywood movie was acted before me.
After 15 minutes of waiting, I felt my stomach rumble and decided to take some oranges before I get to my friend’s house to eat a proper meal.
“Please pass me my bag” I asked one of the apprentices pointing to my bag.
“Anty take” she said
“Ehe thank you. Abeg come help me buy orange, hunger dey worry me”
“Ok Anty” she responded.
I leisurely removed my wallet and I was hit in the face. Yes I was hit in the face by the absence of the money in my wallet. “Wey my money?” I shouted
The apprentice that handed me my bag said “Anty I no carry any money oooo. I just carry the bag give u”
“So where my money come go”
Then I became an actress in the Nollywood movie I was watching.
I remembered immediately that I left my bag close to the lady suspected of stealing the hairstylist’s phone and I screamed “That lady don steal my money oooo”
So I started calling the stolen number which was the only number I could call to know where the lady was caught (thank God I had my phone in my jeans pocket). No response. I called and called and called. Eventually my hairstylist picked and said “Anty abeg I dey come” and cut the call. I called again, she picked and said “Anty I sey I dey ....” I didn’t allow her to finish and said “Abeg where una dey, the lady also steal my money oooo”. She told me they were where the case was being judged. I asked her if it was the police station and she said no. I said “Make dem no allow her go ooo, I dey come”.
I took off with my half-made hair and one of the apprentices who knew the way to the salon where the lady was caught. There, they described the house of a baba where issues in the area are resolved.
Ha! Baba ke!
Well, I didn’t care which kind of baba, whether babalawo, baba ijebu or whatever baba, all I wanted was my money.
When we got to the baba’s house, there were a lot of people outside peeping through the window of the house. I knocked and went it. The baba was just an old man sitting with other elderly men. I greeted everyone there, found a seat and sat down. Everyone in the room was sitting expect the lady who stole the phone. She was standing like a thief, a real thief (abeg no ask me how thieves dey stand). The phone she stole was on the floor beside her.
The baba calmly asked me what the problem was and I told him confidently that the lady also stole my money.
The thief started saying “I no carry ur money ooo”, “I no carry her money ooo”, “Baba I swear to god, I no carry her money” touching the floor with a finger, placing it on her protruding tongue and raising it to heaven.
“Na you thief am” I said
“No be me”
“Na u”
“No be me”
Baba quieted us and told the lady “If u fit thief phone why u no fit thief money”
“Baba I swear I no thief her money” with the same finger on the floor-tongue-heaven gesture. “If I carry her money make I no see tomorrow” she added.
Baba asked her to empty her hand bag and her jeans pocket. Several uninteresting items were displayed. When I didn’t see anything that looked like my money I became worried.
“If this lady did not take my money, who did?” I thought.
The lady started saying “u see, u see, I talk sey I no carry her money”
“Shut up” one of the elderly men said.
I wanted to leave to return back to the salon when a woman who was also a customer in the salon said “Baba make she commot her cloth, she fit don hide am for her pant”
“Ah ah, how you wan make I commot my cloth for front of everybody wey dey here?”, “You want make I naked myself for here wey men dey? the thief said.
The woman added “Baba every man wey dey here na adult and all of una don see woman body before so nothing dey there”.
The baba turned to the thief and said “Commot ur cloth”
The lady stiffen, she wasn’t expecting it. Then she started crying and saying “e no good ooo, how una go sey make I naked for here”
She pulled off her top and revealed a brown bra. She removed her jeans trouser and revealed a red underwear.
Those peeping from outside began to murmur. Those who couldn't see inside the house started asking for their turn.
“Go on” baba said when she stopped.
“Make I commot my pant and bra?” I dey my period oo”
Baba did not respond (Baba was shy. Shy Shy Baba).
The woman that suggested that the thief should remove her cloth said “Commot everything, we don see period before”.
They thief looked at baba for help but none came. She unhooked her bra and revealed what was there. No money. She pulled down her pant and revealed the other part of her body.
The peepers shouted outside in amusement. They were watching a live Nollywood movie or even better.
Still no money.
The only thing that fell from her private was a tiny piece of tissue paper.
She picked it and said “u see, I tell una say I dey my period”. “Ask this woman, na she give me tissue for her shop” she added pointing to my hairstylist.
Baba quickly told her to wear her cloth as he was not confortable seeing her nude.
I was not happy at all. My only thought was to go back to the salon and search all the apprentices. How can I just lose N15,000 plus the small money I had before I used the ATM?
She quickly pulled up her underwear first. When she was putting on her bra, the same woman who suggested removing her cloth said “Baba make we go search dis lady for toilet, e fit be sey she hide am for inside her body”
“Haaaaaaaa” echoed from the peepers.
Baba didn’t like that from the look on his face. Even me, I looked at the woman disapprovingly. My thought was that we are taking the search thing too far.
The thief started crying again “how u dey talk dat kind tin madam?”. “I tell u sey I dey my period na”. “How u wan me to put money inside my body wen I dey do period?”
“You be thief so you go fit do am”, “No be inside pant u hide the phone wey u thief?” the woman told her.
(You see, when God wants to get back what the enemy has taken from you, He will do everything to get it back. He will use everyone to get it back. He will go above and beyond. He will search the unsearchable places. He will dig dip. He will dig it out. There is no stopping him. There is no loss when you are child of God)
When the woman said that, Baba asked her if she will do the job of digging and she said “Yes I go do am. I go wear leather for hand”
So baba gave the go ahead and the thief was ordered to the toilet.
As she was going out, the thief said “I dey HIV positive oooo” and the woman said “we know, e dey ur body” and nudged her forward.
The local observers inside and the foreign observers outside followed us to the toilet.
Only 5 women entered. My hairstylist, myself, the self-appointed searcher and two other women.
“Open ur leg” the searcher yelled at her. She was standing, so she moved her legs few inches apart.
“You no dey hear, I sey open ur leg” the searcher yelled again. The thief didn’t move.
When the two other women wanted to force her to spread her legs she said "Oya make I use my hand commot am".
"Oooh so true true na there the money dey e". The woman said
The thief bent down and dug in.
Umunnem na Umunnam she dug out plenty money and tissue paper from her vagina and threw them on the floor of the toilet.
The women shouted “heeeeee” signaling to the foreign observers outside that the money had been found. They too shouted “heeeeeee”
"e don finish?" asked one of the women.
"Yes" the thief quickly responded.
"Na lie, e never finish. Put ur hand inside inside and check again abi u wan make I carry my hand do am?” said the woman.
The thief reluctantly dug in again and behold she brought out another set of notes.
"e don finish now?" the woman asked and the thief nodded slowly. From her head movement, we agreed she had dug out all that she buried inside her.
Back to the house, the money was placed beside her as she sat on the floor crying, begging and accusing satan and his agents. “Baba abeg forgive me”, “Anty abeg forgive me”, “Na devil”
Baba was dumbfounded. Everyone was.
“Shebi u dey swear sey u no carry dey money?”
“Baba abeg forgive me, na medicine I wan buy with the money”
When baba recollected himself from the shook, he asked her to count the money and she did and said it was N15,230. It was in all denominations of our currency.
Baba looked at the money and looked at me, looked at the money and asked me “You fit touch this money?” pointing to the money on the floor.
I looked at the money, because of where the money was accommodated for the past hour or so, it didn’t look pleasant at all. It had lots of unnamable substances in different colours on it.
I told Baba that I can’t touch the money and that my hairstyles whose salon the money was stolen from should take the money and give me another one from her coffers.
My hairstyles said “Me I no fit touch dey money ooo” and assumed position far away from the money.
Everyone started laughing. Baba asked the thief to pick the money and every other content of her bag. She did. He asked her to take the money and never return to the area in her life.
“Ah ah! Take dey money ke!” I said standing to my feet immediately. With a wave of hand, baba signaled me to be claim and sit down. I did.
She quickly packaged herself and made to leave when she saw the mob waiting for her outside. Baba also saw them and instructed that she be escorted to the bus stop by two young men and no one should touch her.
He turned to me and said “I go give u ur money”. He dug into his pocket, counted N15,000 and gave it to me.
Umunnem na Umunnam, that was how I got my money back even though the change wey dey on top don waka.
Ogechukwu Ikwueme
(Nwanne unu Nwanyi)
(Nwanne unu Nwanyi)
No comments:
Post a Comment