200L, I wrote a course in my pee.

200L, I wrote a course in my pee.

2nd semester

Political Science

Good course.

Interesting course.

Dr. Oshomomoh appeared inside the exam hall.

I wasn't interested in her.

My only interest was how to murder Political Science.

6 answer 4 in 3hrs 30mins.

I read for this course with rechargeable lamp.

Target, A or B

20 minutes into the exam.

I was on my question 1.

"Jesus" echoed through the electrifying silence of the hall.

I looked up.

She was standing over a student with torn answer sheet in her hand.

I was still not interested

I saw her moving her mouth.

Still, I wasn't interested in what she was saying.

I went back to killing Political Science.

My ears heard "if ur exam card is not signed leave the hall"

I still wasn't interested.

I keep writing.

“I will go round and check, if ur exam card is not signed, leave the hall”

Then my mind heard it.

Exam card? Signing?

I checked mine.

Umunnem na Umunnam, it was not signed.

I forgot to sign my exam card. How?

Then I became interested.

Heeee! Na shiga uku

The hair at the back of my neck stood up. (first reaction)

Panic.

Dr. Oshomomoh, the no nonsense lecture, can not be pacified. I had seen her MO before.

In every school there is usually one or two lectures that are nicknamed by students based on their antecedents. Dr. Oshomomoh was Igwę. You can’t beg her. She never listens.

In the hall there were about seven rows of seats and desks, I was at the seventh row and probably 40 students away from her.

Igwę proceeded with her threat of checking since no one had indicated his/her inadequacy (if na u nko?)

At that point, I abandoned Political Science and paid attention to what my body was doing, it was urinating.

Umunnen na Umunnam, yours truly was urinating.

It was an out-of-body experience. I can’t tell when it started but I was.

That not withstanding, I went into thinking mode.

Ke ifengeme? How do I wriggle out of this? What do I say to this woman?

More and more students were being sent out.

Confusion everywhere.

Cheating everywhere.

I saw a male student leap over a window and ran away with his papers.

Should I follow suit? Will it help? I just thought either way, F awaits me.

I discarded that thought.

She wasn’t even giving anyone opportunity to go and sign and come back. She just kept tearing.

Well, even if one was given the opportunity, the signing officials were 1hr 30mins way. So go no go.

She was on the 5th row and advancing.

I had just concluded my first question.

Should I submit it like that?

Something kept telling me to hold on.

I looked at the guy I was sharing the desk with, he had stopped writing. I looked at his answer sheet, he stopped exactly where I stopped. Guy was copying away all along. I nearly slapped him.

He asked what the problem was when he saw the look on my face, I told him and he said I should have faith.

I had faith but I still dey piss for body.

6th row.

Igwę was still approaching and her appetite for torn sheets more intense.

I developed eccentric fever. (third reaction)

(By now u know the second reaction)

7th row.

Then I heard someone say “madam, I have checked this row”.

Umunnem na Umunnam God works in mysterious ways.

I discovered that the two guys directly behind me had an arrangement with one of the corrupt invigilators and it was his duty to shield them from any form of “Igwę” while they cheated with their “chips”.

He lied to her that he had checked the 7th row which was also the last row and there was no reason to doubt him.

Igwę turned and left the hall.

Please how do u spell the sound you make when you exhale after you have held your breath for 45mins?

By then my brain had rearranged but I managed to exhale, collected myself and resumed writing in cold wet jeans.

The guy beside me also resumed.

After that miracle, who was I to shield my answer sheet from him.

I was just fortunate to be sitting in front of those guys.

Of course after that paper, I went straight to get my exam card signed.

Don’t judge me please.

I am what I am.

I’m only human.

Please eeh, everything no be free. If u want to know how I left the hall that day and what I scored in Political Science, send me #1,000 recharge card. MTN.😀😁😂😀😁

Ogechukwu Ikwueme

(Nwanne unu Nwanyi)