Someone looked for my trouble some time ago.
Me, Ogechukwu Ada Joe Ikwueme was body shamed. Ha!
The taxis in Abuja carry one person in the front seat and four people at the back seat making a total of five passengers in small cars meant for at most four passengers. Some go as far as carrying two persons in the front seat.
If not for the dreaded VIO and Road Safety officials, they will carry five behind.
Blame it on the economy abi? Ok Nah.
Usually because of my unapologetic size, I look for a vehicle that I can sit in front and balance well well as I have been in situations where some drivers will stick their four fingers in the air and say “madam abeg na 4 I dey carry for bak” when the front sit is already occupied.
On my way to work one day, I was running late so I couldn’t wait for a vehicle with vacant front seat.
I sneaked into the back seat of a vehicle when the driver was not watching to tell me na four I dey carry o.
I was the second to sit at the back seat.
Then there came a woman. GAN GAN ..............
She got into the vehicle and immediately gave out a frustrated loud hiss with a dangerous twist of mouth and nose high in the air.
The driver said to her Ah ah! Madam wetin nah? She didn’t respond.
In my mind I thought this woman can hiss for Africa ooo.
I immediately knew my journey to work that day was going to be interesting.
It was when the fourth passenger wanted to entered the back seat that the driver looked back and realized sey wahala dey and he couldn’t ask me to come down with the murderous look I had on my face.
Las las we all moved our bodies, with more gunshot hisses from the madam by my side, to accommodate the last young man. Funny enough it was not bad.
There were two men at the edges and madam and I were at the middle of the back seat. Everyone and everything seemed ok and well.
Off we went.
Five minutes into the drive, the drama started.
The Kponkious woman hissed again and told me “madam you dey tight me”.
I no answeram
Two more minutes went by and she said again “madam make you shift na, you dey tight me”
Me, the aguba 1 of Obosi still remained mute.
The driver looked back and said nothing.
The woman, sensing that maybe the madam na deaf and dumb she be, said to the driver “oga driver, this woman dey tight me o”.
The mischievous Gbagi driver said “wetin u wan make I do na? with a smile on his face as if he was enjoying the drama (I saw his face in his rear view mirror).
Then she started her madness. “Dis woman fat na”, “why u carry her”, “she no allow me sidon well o” “And I dey tell her make she shift, she dey do like sey she no dey hear wetin I dey talk”. She went on and on and on and on and on and on.
The driver started laughing small small. Other passengers joined me in silence.
The woman proceeded to chant “driver see her lap, see my own”, “just see my lap, she her own lap”, “see her lap, see my own”, “see my own, see your own” while pointing at the laps she was referring to.
I didn’t want to say anything but the Edo girl in me refused to be suppressed.
I remembered seeing the woman before she got into the vehicle and she was thin. Really thin. Like thin thin thin.
I calmly said to her “madam, ur hip bone dey chook me” (truly it was)
Nigerian hell broke loose.
“Na me you dey call skin and bone”, “god go punish you”, “u dey stupid”, “na only you dey chop d food wey dey una house” “I sure say u no dey give ur children food”, “e consain u say I no get body”, “I be ur mate? Na bcos u fat?”.
Please I can’t remember the rest of her rant.
By then, the driver was having a ball.
I said again when I felt she had calmed down a bit. “Madam, u no sey thin people go go hell fire”.
Umunnem na Umunnam, the things she shot out of her mouth are unprintable abeg.
She shot local and foreign missiles.
Shelling.
Ogbu na igwe.
She called me lots of names including “ashawo wey dey husband house”, “thief”.
Abeg wetin my lap do this woman?
She expected me to leave my "lap" at home while going out abi? Impossicanté
To cut the short story shorter, I waited till just when she was about to alight and said "madam na work u dey go?"
"Wetin consain u" she said while walking round the vehicle to pay the excited driver.
I said "I wan know whether na mortuary u dey work?"
She instantaneously spat and got the driver and the guy sitting directly behind the driver.
The driver rained Gbagi insults on her while whipping spittle off his eyes.
It’s crazy in this country.
We are all crazy.
Ogechukwu Ikwueme
(Nwane unu Nwayi)
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